Hours after the Alabama football team celebrated its 6^th national championship in the past 12 years, the Crimson Tide was hit by a devastating blow when the United States Department of Justice ordered the program to be broken up for antitrust violations. It is expected to be the largest monopoly breakup since Ma Bell was split up in the 1980s.

“We have found that the Alabama football program to be in violation of numerous federal laws, including the Sherman Act of 1890, the Clayton Act of 1914, and the Federal Trade Commission Act of 1914,” said DOJ spokesman Theodore Roosevelt VI.

“Alabama has established itself as a monopoly of good talent and good coaching at the FBS level,” continued Roosevelt. “This monopoly has harmed the competitive balance of college football and reduced many fan bases to weeping, inconsolable messes. No program can realistically expect to compete with the punishing running backs, uber-accurate quarterbacks, and sublime wide receivers that Alabama gets in year in and year out.”

“And it used to be that at least their kickers were shaky, but this past year their kicker did not miss a field goal or extra point all season!” said Roosevelt.

The remedy that the DOJ has imposed is harsh. Each FBS school can draft an Alabama player, with the worst program getting the first pick. Alabama can still field a new football team but will be limited to Rivals 3-star recruits and below.

In addition, head coach Nick Saban is prohibited from hiring troubled yet talented former USC coaches to work as his offensive coordinator for at least 10 years.

Other coaches from the around the NCAA hailed the move.

“I’ve gone 43-8 over the past 4 seasons, but because Alabama waxed us in the College Football Playoffs all of the alumni are calling for my head,” said Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly. “You try to cover Devonta Smith. It can’t be done.”

Incoming Vanderbilt coach Clark Lea expressed cautious optimism that his team could beat fellow SEC member Alabama for the first time since 1984. Roosevelt, however, explained that the monopoly breakup could only go so far and the Commodores should not get their hopes up.