An artist or artists popular when you were in your late teens and early 20s put on the best-ever Super Bowl Halftime Show, according to everybody.

Everyone is in agreement that the bands they listened to in high school and college reached the apex of musical talent and performance. It is indisputable that whatever bands you had on in the car while driving to school are among the best of all time. Since the bands of your youth are so musically talented, it is not surprising that they put on such a good halftime show.

Look-they are singing a truncated version of their most popular hit! Doesn’t that bring you back to a time when life’s possibilities seemed endless, and every day brought a new discovery? They are able to do this since they are such good musicians, of course.

Some people older and younger than you might claim that the music of THEIR teens and early 20s put on the best Super Bowl Haftime show. This is clearly not the case.

The musicians of your elders are washed up has-beens. They are only performing at halftime because they were the last band some old network executive saw live in concert before he had kids and stopped checking out new music. Look at how they can’t even put on an entertaining show any more!

The musicians who got popular after you turned 27 are flash-in-the-pan artists whose works will not stand the test of time .They are only performing at halftime because some old network executive asked his children who was trending in music in an attempt to still be hip and cool. Their antics on stage are purely for shock value and attention.

Now that this has been made clear, let us all depart to social media to make these INDISPUTABLE FACTS known.

In a stunning move, the Buffalo Bills have released All-Pro quarterback Josh Allen, citing Allen’s decision to call tails instead of heads for the overtime coin flip in their divisional playoff game against Kansas City. The coin landed on heads, and Kansas City scored a touchdown to win the game.  

“We appreciate all that Josh Allen has done for this franchise and the city of Buffalo,” said Bills General Manager Brandon Beane. “But we feel it is in the best interests of both parties for us to move on.”

When asked to elaborate, Beane became unusually candid for a general manager.

“Look, we all know that there are four basic rules in life. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t piss into the wind. You don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger. And you don’t give Pat Mahomes the ball first in overtime. Josh violated that rule and we feel he can no longer serve effectively as Bills quarterback. We wish him luck in his future endeavors.”

One reporter pointed out that, in two playoff games, Allen had led the Bills to 12 touchdowns in 16 drives, wondering if releasing Allen was perhaps an overreaction.

“Look, I know it seems harsh,” responded Beane. “But we need our players to come up huge in big situations, and there was no bigger situation than the overtime coin flip. I know that mathematicians are going to say there is a 50/50 chance to call the coin flip correctly, but those guys are just big nerds who never played the game. The truly great players always get that call correct. Always.”

Hours after the Alabama football team celebrated its 6^th national championship in the past 12 years, the Crimson Tide was hit by a devastating blow when the United States Department of Justice ordered the program to be broken up for antitrust violations. It is expected to be the largest monopoly breakup since Ma Bell was split up in the 1980s.

“We have found that the Alabama football program to be in violation of numerous federal laws, including the Sherman Act of 1890, the Clayton Act of 1914, and the Federal Trade Commission Act of 1914,” said DOJ spokesman Theodore Roosevelt VI.

“Alabama has established itself as a monopoly of good talent and good coaching at the FBS level,” continued Roosevelt. “This monopoly has harmed the competitive balance of college football and reduced many fan bases to weeping, inconsolable messes. No program can realistically expect to compete with the punishing running backs, uber-accurate quarterbacks, and sublime wide receivers that Alabama gets in year in and year out.”

“And it used to be that at least their kickers were shaky, but this past year their kicker did not miss a field goal or extra point all season!” said Roosevelt.

The remedy that the DOJ has imposed is harsh. Each FBS school can draft an Alabama player, with the worst program getting the first pick. Alabama can still field a new football team but will be limited to Rivals 3-star recruits and below.

In addition, head coach Nick Saban is prohibited from hiring troubled yet talented former USC coaches to work as his offensive coordinator for at least 10 years.

Other coaches from the around the NCAA hailed the move.

“I’ve gone 43-8 over the past 4 seasons, but because Alabama waxed us in the College Football Playoffs all of the alumni are calling for my head,” said Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly. “You try to cover Devonta Smith. It can’t be done.”

Incoming Vanderbilt coach Clark Lea expressed cautious optimism that his team could beat fellow SEC member Alabama for the first time since 1984. Roosevelt, however, explained that the monopoly breakup could only go so far and the Commodores should not get their hopes up.

Today, on the 242^nd anniversary of the breakup of the band the United Kingdom and the 13 Colonies, speculation is running rampant that the legendary supergroup will finally reunite.

For many diehard fans, this would be a dream come true. Lead vocalist United Kingdom first teamed up with a promising guitarist named 13 Colonies in 1607. Their first album, entitled The New World, featured such hits as Jamestown, John Smith, Plymouth Rock, Pilgrims, Mayflower, and New Amsterdam is now New York. It shot up the charts. Critics and fans alike were blown away with the fresh, raw, and exciting sound of the group. Fame and fortune soon followed.

The band went from number one single to number one album as they almost single-handedly reshaped the musical landscape.  The soaring vocals of the United Kingdom blended perfectly with the amazing guitar riffs of the 13 Colonies.

They could play hard and fast like they did on their albums Bacon’s Rebellion and King Phillip’s War, or slow it down such as on the mellow William Penn and the Quakers.

It seemed like the sky was the limit for the group. They reached their peak during the epoch 7-year tour called the “French and Indian War,” achieving more success than any band could dream of. While it appeared for a while that such bands like Spain and the Viceroyalties or France and Quebec would make a push for the top of the charts, the UK and the 13 Colonies always beat back the challengers.

That success, however, led to the eventual dissolution of the group. The United Kingdom had fronted most of the money for the French and Indian War tour, and thought it was time that the 13 Colonies paid some of it back.

Horrific contract disputes followed. The 13 Colonies resented having to pay for tour expenses which the United Kingdom had always paid for in the past and thought that the UK was “being a total dick” about insisting on the money. The UK thought it was only fair that the Colonies contribute more to the general coffers of the band.

The squabbling led to the dissolution of the band in 1776. While it took seven years of negotiations to disentangle the intertwined assets, by 1783 the two band members were on their own.

At first, the United Kingdom seemed to be making out better than the 13 Colonies. It teamed up with touring bassist Canada and wild drummer Australia to form The British Empire, a colossus of hard rock which dominated the airwaves for over 100 years.

From their massive European tour of 1793-1815 where they brought the house down in France to their controversial Indian phase, the United Kingdom seemed to go from success to success.

The 13 Colonies went in a different direction. Changing their name to the United States, they initially focused on playing local shows and developing their own musical style. Songs such as “Paul Bunyan,” “Johnny Appleseed,” and “Davie Crockett,” exemplified the new style of the  United States.

Relations with their former bandmates were tense for several years after the breakup, culminating in the famous Rap War of 1812. While most musical historians felt this war was inconclusive, the United States claimed victory after the famous diss track “Battle of New Orleans.”

Eventually, though, tempers cooled. The United Kingdom invited the United States to play with them on their 1914-1918 European tour. 23 years later it was the United States turn to play headliner, with the United Kingdom in support for another European tour between 1941 and 1945.

Recent events have led to speculation on a reunion. The United Kingdom recently left their current band, the European Union, to once again focus on a solo career. The United States has been doing a side project with Mexico and Canada called NAFTA, but rumor has it there are tensions in that group as well.

In addition, Prince Harry, a son of the United Kingdom, recently married Megan Merkle, a daughter of the United States. Could this celebration of love bring their parents closer together again?

Some critics feel that a reunion could never match the musical heights that the band once occupied, and it would just be a money-grubbing exercise in nostalgia. Many old fans, though, remember the band fondly and new fans are eager to see the band perform live.

The bands themselves have not issued any official statements on a possible reunion, leaving the situation ambiguous.

“I like and respect the United Kingdom,” said the United States. “They are fabulous musicians. Our joint tours in Europe were very successful, and we would love to work together again. Whether that is as independent bands or as a reunited United Kingdom and the 13 Colonies remains to be seen.”

The United Kingdom was a bit more cautious about a possible reunion, indicating that the United States must support the English team in the World Cup before the band can get back together.